- Text Size +

Story Notes:

Right, I blame Abi for this. She drew my attention to the Day Girls Unlikely Crossovers challenge, and God only knows why I picked The Goon Show, but I did. I certainly hope some people here have listened to it, because otherwise this will be rather a wasted exercise! It won't be a full length script as that's rather beyond me, but hopefully all the usual elements - and suspects - will be there.

Here for your delectation and delight, ladies and other ladies and others, are those Crazy People, The Chalet School Goons!

THE SCRIPT

Orchestra: CHORD

Matron Greenslade: Good evening. It is my great pleasure to welcome you, ladies, gentlemen and small dogs, to an evening entitled…

Joey Seanard: Wait, wait, wait! Matron Greenslade, Matron, Matey-matey Matron, where are your bow-tie and long johns? You can’t introduce the all new leather Goon Show in a state of undress! What if the listeners see…your knees!

SFX: MASS SWOONING

Matron: Never fear, Mrs Seanard! For I am wearing the all new patent Knee Caps, specially fitted to hide the soft, tempting flesh of the knees. Never again shall I go bare kneed before you, nay, never need you avert your eyes. Nor shall my knees tremble…

SFX: SUSPICIOUS SWOOP

Matron: …for my all new leather Knee Caps are lined with wool, and furthermore, they glow in the dark!

SFX: MAD CHEERING

Seanard: STOP!

SFX: STOPS

Seanard: That’s enough of that! Matron Greenslade, since you are properly attired, do your worst!

Matron: Ladies, gentlemen and Feccles…

Kathie Feccles: What?

Matron: I welcome you to the glamorous, the dazzling, the all new steam-powered locomotive that is entitled…

Gaudenz Throat: Up The Matterhorn.

Orchestra: UP AND HOLD TYMPS ROLL, SUDDEN CHORD

Seanard: Where’s my special steam-driven speaking trumpet? Hello folks! Calling you folks. It was in the year nineteen hundred and fifty three. I had just come down from Armishire and was on the boat to Switzerland, when I was approached by a tall stranger…

SFX: WATER; VIOLINS PLAY A WALTZ

Seanard: Ahh, what wonderful music! Darling, shall we dance?

Camp Sailor: Do me a favour.

Grytpype-Jem: Excuse me, are you a matelot?

Seanard: Don’t they mate in trees?

G-J: I beg your pardon?

Seanard: You may have it.

SFX: SWISH

G-J: Thank you. I shall treasure it. Moriarty, go and bury this pardon, and draw up a map.

Seanard: Well, sir, and what can I do for you?

G-J: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Hercules Grytpype-Jem, Dr Hercules Grytpype-Jem, physician to his Royal Highness the Prince of Monocle and Carbolic Soap, and Grand High Plug to the Baths at Baden-Baden. And this chinless wonder in my front pocket is none other than Count Jack “Pygmy”…

Moriarty: Owwwwwwww

G-J: …Moriarty, Doctor Without Special Responsibilities for Plague, Measles and Gaslights.

Seanard: A pygmy? So that’s why he’s only got one leg.

Moriarty: Insult! I have three legs: one right, one left and one left over.

Seanard: Where’s the left-over leg?

Moriarty: In my right hand. A duel!

Seanard: But I only have two legs!

G-J: Here, use one of mine. I keep a box of spares.

Seanard: Oh, thank you very much.

SFX: RUMMAGING

Seanard: Aha, here is a nice one. But why is it such a funny shape?

G-J: It’s a short square leg. I borrowed it from Lords.

Moriarty: Have at you!

SFX: TWO PEOPLE FIGHTING, YELPS AND SHOUTS

Moriarty: Honour is satisfied!

Seanard: And so is my leg!

Moriarty: Thank you.

G-J: Now then, gentlepeople, shake hands.

Seanard: Your hand is wet, Count. Here, wipe it on this.

Grytpype Jem: What is that?

Seanard: It’s a hand towel.

Grytpype-Jem: A hand towel? How delightfully old-fashioned. Try one of my new, super-lightning-fast STEAM towels. No more powering your towels by hand! Simply fill the coal box and the towel dries automatically.

Seanard: Let me try it.

SFX: STEAM, HOOTER, KLAXON, PUFF OF AIR, LOUD SCREAM

Seanard: Ahhh, that’s better!

G-J: Now look here, little Joey, time is running short, and so are my legs. We have a special favour to ask of you. When we get to Switzerland, we need you need to climb the Matterhorn.

Seanard: What’s the Matterhorn?

Moriarty: Nothing’s the matter, horn.

SFX: SLAP

Moriarty: Owwwwww!

G-J: Now, Joey, listen to me very carefully. At the top of the Matterhorn there is a school. You must get inside that school, Joey, and wait for instructions.

Seanard: But what for?

G-J: What for? For a fortune, little Joey, a fortune - nay, a fivetune, a sixtune, perhaps even a SEVENTUNE.

Seanard: What what what what what what what what what?

G-J: Please, don’t do that. Now, Joey, here is something for your trouble.

Seanard: A suppository!

G-J: And there’s more where that came from! Now, will you do it?

Seanard: Wait! How do I know I can trust you?

G-J: Look inside this matchbox.

SFX: CUSTARD RUNNING BACKWARDS

Seanard: I see now I should never have doubted you! I shall start at once! Farewell!

SFX: RUNNING FEET, SPLASH

Little Rob: She’s fallen in the water!

G-J: Hehehehe. Ahh, Moriarty, we couldn’t have hit on a better Charlie for our plans! See how quickly she took the bait. If it works, we’ll be rich!

Moriarty: Rich! Owwwww, rich! Rich beyond the dreams of Creasing, oww, the moolah, the money, the moolah! Owwwwww. Owwwwwwwwwww!

G-J: He’s going to have one of his turns again. Quick, Moriarty, swallow this.

SFX: GULP

SFX: LOW RUMBLINGS

SFX: EXPLOSION, HOWLING, RUBBLE FALLING

Moriarty: Owwww. What was that?

G-J: Explosive ant powder, made with real exploding ants. Now, come along, back down below. Here comes Max Geldray with his Sea Legs!

Moriarty: Ow, sapristi natchos!




Enter the security code shown below:
Note: You may submit either a rating or a review or both.