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Story Notes:
The formatting originally had the Rocky Horror words in black but seems to have lost that formatting at the moment. If in doubt if something is a bit of an odd thing to say it is from Rocky Horror.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This was on CBB, not sure why I didn't back it up at the time, but I was looking for it on SDL the other day and realised it wasn't there. Very silly, and black humour. If you don't know Rocky Horror you probably will doubt my sanity even more than most people do already...

It was a dark, rainy night. As the car crept slowly on up the winding Swiss roads Brad and Janet peered nervously out through the windscreen, petrified that they would lose sight of the road and plummet to the valley floor far below. Suddenly the engine made a terrible noise, groaned and the car heaved forward then stopped.

Brad got out into the rain and opened the bonnet. As he returned to the inside of the car, Janet could see that the news wasn't good.

"I'm so sorry Janet, there's nothing I can do. There is a long pink worm stuck in the engine. This car is going nowhere tonight."

As they sat in the Car trying to decide what to do, a light twinkled through the pines above them.

"I will go to see if there is a telephone at that building over there. You stay here Janet, there is no sense in both of us getting wet"

"No, I'm coming with you! After all there might be a gorgeous woman in that building, and I might never see you again!"

"Oh Janet!" said Brad with a sickly sweet look on his face. They set off through the trees, Janet holding a newspaper over her head.

They gradually reached the source of the light, but paused to look at the imposing sight in front of them. A huge building with various annexes and outbuildings stood on a level piece of ground. Over to one side, two eerily symmetrical church buildings sat beside a lone bell tower. The wind was making the bell move, causing a regular dull clang that seemed almost to match the beating of their hearts as they decided where to go next.

As the reached the door it creaked open.

"Welcome to the Chalet School" creaked a voice from the gloom beyond.

As they entered, they caught sight of a strong looking Swiss man beckoning them on into a room further down the hall. His badge bore the name Gaudenz. Brad tried to engage him in conversation, but he simply motioned for them to enter the next room.

As they entered the room, they saw a huge collection of people, mainly girls in a genetian blue school uniform and a few slightly older woman who appeared to be in charge.

A tall young woman with a humped back came forward. They were shocked to see that she had no hair to the top of her head, and only white straggles of hair to each side. She noticed them looking at her head and her expression became if anything even more disturbing.

"I used to have curls you know, she cackled as she fingered her greasy white locks.

"I got the curls when they shaved my head after an accident. I made the mistake after another accident of allowing them to shave it again to see if I could save on paying for it to be waved, but look what happened instead!! I had to come back here to my old school, for it's the only place I would now fit in. I am Mary Lou "

To theIr horror, she and the entire hall began to sing and dance. Brad and Janet watched in utter confusion as Mary Lou took the lead.

"It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

I remember doing the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Let's do the time warp again...
Let's do the time warp again!

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!

It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me
So you can't see me, no not at all
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention
Well-secluded, I see all
With a bit of a mind flip
You're there in the time slip
And nothing can ever be the same
You're spaced out on sensation, like you're under sedation
Let's do the Time Warp again!

Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again
Let's do the Time Warp again!


As Janet began to back away, Brad tried to reassure her.

"Now Janet, it's nothing to be afraid of, these people just have a culture that is different to our own. Perhaps they do a little more... Folk dancing ..."

Behind them a door opened silently. A voice came from behind them.

"How d'you do?"

A woman with brilliant eyes that had clearly never needed glasses stepped forward as they turned to meet her. She was dressed in tight black lingerie, fishnet suspenders, high heels, and very little else

She repeated her greeting, as a small voice in the background rang out.

"Oooh its Hildanfurter!"

Hildanfurter quelled the speaker with a glance and returned her attention to Brad and Janet.

"How d'you do..." she paused and nodded to the silent Gaudenz " I see you've met my ... faithful ... Handy man"

She paused, looked them obviously up and down, raised one eyebrow and then continued.

"He's just a little brought down because ... when you knocked
He thought you were the... candyman.

As Janet began to look even more like a scared rabbit, Brad tried to ask to us the phone, but he couldn't help but stare at this bizarre woman in front of him. Or was it a man? It was hard to tell through caked make up. She caught his look and began to sing, dancing around the room as she did so, getting worshipful looks from all of the people in the hall, except for Mary Lou, who turned away with a sneering look on her face as the song continued.

"Don't get strung out by the way that I look,
Don't judge a book by its cover"

At this two girls with badges saying "Library Prefect" both nodded self importantly.

Hildanfurter continued, adding to Brad's confusion as to the sex of this apparition.

"I'm not much of a man by the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound...

Brad tried to cut in at this point

"I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car
We don't want to be any worry."

One of the women began to get up and head towards the door at the request to use the phone, Hildanfurter stopped her with a quick "Rosalie - no." then began to sing again.

"So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?
Well babies, don't you panic.
By the light of the night when it all seems alright
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?
I could show you my favourite obsession.
I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my ... tension

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania a a aa aa...

Hildanfurter began to leave through another door at the end of the hall.

So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici... pation!
But maybe the rain ... isn't really to blame
So I'll remove the cause, ... but not the symptom!!

As Hildanfurter left the room, Brad and Janet found their clothes down to underwear being removed by Mary Lou and a girl who kept addressing them as "Darling" and saying everything was "Marvellous"

They went up to Hildanfurters lab, where the evil genius unveiled the latest peice of research from the San. A muscled young man stood there, wearing only gold underwear and a stethoscope.

"This is our ultimate goal achieved!

Now in just 7 days...I can make you a doctor.

The man looked around him puzzled then said in a Yorkshire accent.

"Who am I ? Where am I?"

"Oh Reggie! " replied Hildanfurter, with a look of adoration.

Suddenly a noise was heard from the giant freezer behind them. The whole crowd gasped as a young woman in a leather jacket with short hair and a bandage around her forehead appeared on a motorbike.

The girl who had helped Mary Lou remove their clothes ran towards this new arrival, shouting "Jack! Darling How maaarvelous!"
The short haired girl began to sing and take all of the attention away from Hildanfurter before facing her and asking :

"Can I have my brain back now?"

Janet and Brad gasped as it became obvious that Hildanfurter had shared her brain between her and the creature Reggie.

Hildanfurter grabbed hold of an axe and chased Jack into the freezer. Various cries showed were heard, and then Hildanfurter left the freezer, covered in Jacks blood.

"MAY you have your brain back, MAY, not CAN.I despair at you girls sometimes...

She smiled at Reggie and led the bewildered creature off to her annexe.



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